Rhiannon Hill, Psychotherapy & Counselling

COUPLES, RELATIONSHIP

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS POST-DIVORCE ISSUES WITH OTHERS IN THE SAME SITUATION I WILL BE STARTING A DIVORCE GROUP SOON, THE GROUPS LAST SIX WEEKS, SESSIONS ARE TWO HOURS, COST £15 PER PERSON. PLEASE CONTACT ME ASAP, GROUPS WILL RUN WITH MINIMUM OF SIX PEOPLE.



RELATIONSHIP GONE OFF TRACK?
ALWAYS FIGHTING THE SAME FIGHT?
NOTHING GETTING RESOLVED?
ONE OR BOTH OF YOU IS BEHAVING IN A DISTRESSING WAY?
ONE OF YOU THINKS YOUR RELATIONSHIP HAS RUN ITS COURSE?
NEED TO PROCESS CLOSURE?
DIVORCING AND WANT TO WORK OUT NEW WAYS OF RELATING TO CHILDREN AND FRIENDS?

Whatever you are conflicting about, usually repeatedly, it's likely in most relationships to be a symptom of deeper problems.

Learning to face up to difficult truths about the relationship and the other person in it is frightening. Many people are unable to improve communications in their relationship for fear of conflict that will lead to crisis or even a split.

Couple therapy gives us the time, space, and the loving, non judgmental presence of a third person to make a safe container to explore difficult issues and improve the couple connection.

For people who have experienced an unusual crisis, threatening a previously strong relationship, or others who have undergone the journey towards ending their relationship and need some support for that process, basic couple counselling is a good idea.

For those who are experiencing ongoing difficulties, or feel that there are complex issues to resolve with a view to developing and deepening their relationship, I offer private couple psychotherapy.

I have been seeing couples for more than twelve years and have undergone two periods of couple psychotherapy training.

Couple therapy, like individual therapy, is, ideally, weekly and costs £50 per session. In some instances I will agree to fortnightly client sessions.

I always hold both people in equal regard and I will give them feedback, help them to process unconscious individual or joint issues affecting their relationship as in individual therapy.

Couple therapy requires extra skills, holding good boundaries and being able, with the couple's assent, to control the session so that while strong emotions are welcome they are not allowed to develop into conflict. My therapy style is non judgmental and nonviolent but requires honesty and courage on the part of clients as I will challenge both people from time to time.

When working with a couple the therapist helps them identify patterns of relating which limit them and keep the relationship 'stuck' in a negative way. Couples are encouraged to explore not just their unconscious negative beliefs about themselves and one another but about relationship itself. The therapist gently guides the couple in disengaging from a defensive and stuck position.

I believe 'matters of the heart' are just that, and cannot be addressed and healed from the logical or rational mind. Bodily responses, both observed by the therapist, or experienced by either person in a couple, also enable us to identify thoughts and feelings far more directly and effectively than merely conversing.

I also use some inner journeying and spontaneous visualisation work with couples.

I am happy to see both heterosexual and gay couples, or even business partners (up to four people.) I have worked with many gay clients and couples over a period of years. Gender or sexual orientation are important but if the main issue is relationship, these factors are not automatically relevant.

I am a therapist, not a professional mediator, my aim is not to resolve practical issues, but to process relationship conflicts. My couple therapy space is also a place to explore and connect more deeply. Couple therapy often includes processing individual issues during the sessions so can be very beneficial for general personal development.

TEN TIPS FOR IMPROVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

For more relationship tips CLICK
1 Remember that you are two individuals with a different set of experiences, beliefs and world views. How you were brought up will largely define a great deal of your attitude to relationship

2 The other person isn't likely to be perfect. Issues big and small in a successful relationship need to be negotiated: remember, don't ASSUME - Assume makes an ASS out of U and ME!

3 If you are conflicting over money there might be underlying problems which are being displaced. Relationships should not be about money, yet issues over finance destroy a lot of partnerships.

4 If you want to improve communications then the best time to talk is when things are going well and you are relaxed. No issue ever gets resolved during a row because anger and raised voices bring up defences which prevent resolution. Try to always tell the truth no matter how afraid you are. Remember, your partner is supposed to be on your side. He or she is not a judging, punishing parental figure.

5 This may be bad news given the culture in which we live right now, but for most people I see, sexual infidelity, including persistent flirting, is unacceptable in a long term relationship. Rebuilding trust is very difficult indeed. Infatuation or sexual feelings for others is common but it does not need to be acted upon. Most adults are attracted to other people from time to time. If this is happening too frequently the relationship probably needs work.

6 Addictions destroys many relationships: alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography*, hobbies and even work prioritised over the relationship is a very frequent cause of couple breakdown.

7 Many people fall in love then forget to negotiate very basic issues like whether they are going to have children, religious or political preferences or preferred geographical location. If you are planning to take a relationship to the next level, while it isn't very romantic being adult enough to begin sharing major likes, dislikes, plans and beliefs will pay dividends further along if you are clear about these issues. Don't 'fit in' with someone while you are infatuated: it may not be a decision you would make otherwise.

8 Nothing corrodes a good relationship like resentment. Resentments often occur because of things unsaid, a series of misunderstandings, and outside interference. These issues can easily be avoided by promoting honest, ongoing communication.

9 Wouldn't it be great if we could all fall in love with the perfect person and live happily ever after? I guess some people do this with minimum effort, for the rest of us, we have to put in a little effort. Hard work at times but, there it is.

10 Relatives and friends often well meaning, sometimes interfering for their own purposes, can really put pressure on a relationship. The truth is that while we often seek advice from people with whom we are close, they may have a conscious or unconscious agenda. We cannot rely on their advice.

Advice usually involves revealing personal information about your relationship. People can be judgmental, so while they might want to support you just because you are their relative or friend, they may dissaprove, or not maintain confidentiality. Their advice isn't always fair or appropriate. Advice is usually not of much use. We all know what we SHOULD do. We don't really want advice, or really expect others to be able to fix it for us.

Don't let other people get involved in your relationship, it seldom helps and in some cases can actually destroyed relationships. You don't have to give out private information to anyone and you really do have the right to set boundaries against curious or manipulative people.

SELF HELP.

Technique #1

Here's a way to tackle difficult issues and begin to improve communications.

Pick an hour when you are both free and relaxed. Switch off the phone, lock the door. Toss a coin to decide who is going first.

The first person gets to talk for five, or even ten minutes. During that time the other person must NOT: Talk back, leave, make faces or noises.

When finished, both people go somewhere separately for ten, or twenty minutes. Then return and the other person can talk.

That's it! It doesn't have to go anywhere. Just the space to say exactly what you think and feel honestly and openly without fear of contradiction or disagreement can be enough, for others it is at least a start.

You can also agree not to use things said in the free talking space as a weapon against the other person.

Remember, there are two people here - no one has to be the Bad Guy.

Technique# 2

When things are going well, remember:

i Respect your partner, let them know that you approve of them and respect their boundaries

ii Praise your partner or congratulate them on some success

iii Make time to discuss serious issues - casual remarks while busy in the kitchen or a demand to talk when the other person is tired or stressed are not advisable

iv Negotiate with yourself: eg do I really need to spend that extra hour at work/at the pub/online or do I want to spend it with my partner?

v Don't NAG, MOAN, MANIPULATE, SULK, SNOOP. If you are doing these things then your relationship is not loving and honest enough and will eventually break down.

If you are bullying your partner by nagging, tricking them in some way, punishing them for small or imaginary misdemeanours by sulking without discussion, checking their pockets, mail or phone texts, then caring, respect and trust have seriously diminished. Since it is these things that make a successful relationship you need to work out whether your partner really deserves all of this suspicion, anger and contempt or whether it is something painful in your own character which needs exploring.

WHY PRIVATE COUPLE THERAPY?

Volunteer based relationship counselling is not free, there is a long waiting list and sometimes the number of therapy sessions are capped.

In the UK we have an excellent counselling service called Relate whose counsellors have many years of experience. Relate is also able to offer low cost work to people in limited incomes.

Many couples experiencing problems for the first time, or undergoing unusual difficulties due to outside issues find a brief period of counselling with a charitable agency very beneficial.

Is this a better alternative to voluntary agencies?

Not always. But a private therapist is unlikely to have a waiting list of more than a week or two if at all. People in crisis should not have to wait several weeks or even months for help.

Secondly, if you are a couple which has identified that you have long term, deep seated issues where there is repeated conflict, but would either like to work on remaining together, or finding a sensible way to process separation, couple psychotherapy might be for you.

Other couples choose psychotherapy as a joint personal growth exercise to improve and enhance their relationship. As with individuals, we all, as couples, go through different phases of development in our lives. People get sick, people have accidents, children arrive, children leave, finances can go through dramatic highs and lows, responsibities change.

There's no 'Relationship Manual' - often these changes put pressure on relationships which do not survive. If the couple seeks a neutral, empathic third party to process change often the relationship does survive.

What are the key skills for a couple therapist?

Well, for me, there are several things that the couple therapist must keep in mind.

As with individuals, the therapist must be someone with whom both people in the couple feel emotionally 'safe' and trustworthy.

The couple therapist needs to make sure that both partners get the space they need in the session to express themselves.

The therapist must of course never take sides, never be judgmental, gender biased, or make assumptions about either person.

The therapist must never allow the couple to slide into a 'fight' in the therapy session.

The couple have the opportunity to look at how their individual personal issues impact upon the couple relationship, and it is one of the skills of a good couple therapist to help each person identify and process these unconscious issues in the context of the relationship.

Lastly, the couple therapist can also offer clients some suggestions as to ways in which they can communicate more effectively and help them come up with ways to negotiate more effectively and create a developing, 'live' relationship which fit in with their particular lifestyle and preferences.

Overall, although a couple therapist does not need to be someone who has a 'perfect' relationship, it's best to choose someone who has a lot of life experience, and has done plenty of couple therapy, as experience is just as if not more important than training.

*I am not against erotica or harmless pornography but research suggests that frequent and constant use of pornography, particular on the Internet, is a serious addiction for some people.